Mommy Guilt and Seperation Anxiety

I am a working mom. 95% of the time, I am completely comfortable with that decision. I've always been ambitious and I always knew that I want to continue working after I had children. I worked very hard in school to obtain the career that I have today and I enjoy my job.

It does mean that I ensure that my time at home is quality time, spent playing and cuddling. I get right down at her level, sitting on the floor playing ponies or dolls. Playing hide and seek And feeling like a kid again myself. It's important to me that she has direct time with me and that she knows that those hours that I have between work and bed are hers.

I don't think I'd be surprising any mother, working or not, when I say that this is not always easy decision to make. There is a great level of guilt that comes with being a working mother. I worry about the time she spends without me, about how much she misses me and about anything that I might miss out on.

There is also the struggle that although I love my job, I crave her throughout the day. I crave the feeling of her in my arms. I crave her smile and her laugh. She is all over the desk top on both my dual screens and her creative artwork is what decorates my office walls. I surround myself in as much of her as I can.

I know from connecting with and getting to know many other working moms, that this inner battle is a common one. I know this battle is also common for stay at home moms when they go away for a night or a weekend. I am beginning to realize that some guilt is a natural part of motherhood, no matter what we do.

The majority of the time the guilt and longing to be with her is easier to manage because she's a very content and independent little girl. She enjoys being with her friends at day daycare and she adores her daycare provider. Most often when I drop her off I get a quick kiss and a very excited "Bye Mama!" and off she goes to play, squealing and giggling. However, that is not always the case.

Around 18 months old, Lilly went through a very rough stage of separation anxiety. She would cry every morning when I dropped her off at daycare. She would cry at nigh when I tried to leave her room after bedtime books/songs. She would even cry when I left the house, leaving her with Daddy, whom she has always been very comfortable with. My mom warned me that multiple bouts of separation anxiety are common in kids and that we would probably go through this stage again when she was close to three years old.

She is not quite three yet, but we are officially there. It started off as a couple rough mornings and has now developed into an emotionally draining three weeks.

This time around is significantly worse because she can talk so much more. She can vocalize her emotions, and it breaks my heart. The mommy guilt becomes so much harder to bare when she can articulately inform me that she misses me when I'm at work. Similarly to the past, she breaks down whenever I leave her. It doesn't matter if it is at daycare or just home with Daddy. The sight of her standing at our front door, tears streaming down her face as she says "but I miss you when you go work" leaves me in tears for much of my drive.

We have talked many times about why daddy and I both go to work. She understands that we go to work to make money, and that we need that money to pay for our home, food and various other things. Of course, I think it most resonates with her is the fact that without money we can't buy toys...

I have even tried preparing her as we head out of the house. We talk on the drive over to daycare about how Mama has to go to work, but I will be home in a few hours. That I want her to be a big girl and have fun with her friends. She will look at me in the rear view and calmly state her response.

Lilly: "I'm going to cry when you go." 

Mama: "I miss you too honey, but I always come back home right?"

Lilly: "Yes."

Mama: "Do you have fun with your friends?"

Lilly: "Yes."

Mama: "Do we have fun when we go home after work?"

Lilly: "Yes."

Unfortunately, I don't think any of these facts really ease the initial hurt when I actually have to leave.

My daycare provider is great and will often send me a text just moments later to tell me that Lilly is playing and having fun. That she is happy. There is comfort with that message, but often still tears in my eyes. Lilly has the distraction of her friends, crafts and games to transition her mood. I am in a car, picturing her crying and reaching for me and feeling my heart break all over again.

And that is when it hits me. When she goes through these struggles with separation anxiety, it brings into focus the anxiety that I have. Whether I want to admit it or not, I see how much I battle to let her go as well. I may handle it better, with a few quiet tears and a brave face, but it is there.

It is there on the countless nights that I tuck her in and secretly wish I could take her to bed with us and cuddle all night long. It is there in the times that I let her stay up 10, 15 or 30 minutes past bedtime because I am not ready to say goodnight. It is there when I am out with a friend and honestly can't wait for the evening to end so I can go home. It is there in the mornings, when I turn around at the front door of daycare and go back for hug #5, the one that is to ease me more than her.

I would like to hope that this gets easier, but I have a feeling I already know the answer to that. I realize that just as she has multiple stages of separation anxiety, I will as well. I'm sure I will struggle when she starts school and is no longer in the private care of a friend at daycare. I'm sure I will struggle when she starts going out with friends and I have to put my trust in her and in the way we raised her to be smart and safe. I can only imagine how much I will struggle when she goes off to college and a life of her own.

Ideally speaking, just as my daughter overcomes her separation anxiety and adapts to her independence, I will as well. Admittedly, there will be a few later bedtimes and extra cuddles along the way. I'm ok with that.

Wordless Wednesday: Toddler smiles, gardening & pretty nails.

We had a great long weekend, filled with lots of time at the park and working on our yard. I snagged a few great shots of my adorable little monkey.

This smile. Best. Thing. Ever.

My little helper. She was so excited for her garden.

And naturally, after three days of playing in the sand and dirt, my hands were in need of some TLC. I recently started a tradition of getting in some mama me time with weekly a home manicure.

Dabbling in nail art. Electric blue with white polka dots.

Wordless Wednesday with LINKY: The Good Things In Life.

I had already put together my Wordless Wednesday post last night. I had adorable photos from my weekend of my Mother's Day breakfast in bed, my little lady's super cute ponytail that I can't get enough of, and shots of her loving the new Smart-Trike that we got to review.

I am still sharing those photos here, but they are no longer the focus of today's post.

Today, in light of the tragic and senseless ending to the search for Tim Bosma, I want to simply share a photo of my family in honour of him. The majority of my family is from the Burlington & Hamilton area and I know this has rocked their community.

I didn't know Tim Bosma or his family, but I do know he leaves behind a young wife and a 2 year old little girl. I can't imagine what they are going through today. I can't imagine if something happened to my husband, leaving me at home with our 2 year old little girl.

My thoughts and prayers are with them today as I remember, once again, to cherish the good things in life.

Talking With My Toddler #16: Buying her own house

The shirt reads "Daddy's Sweetheart". So. Very. True.

Like so many toddlers before her, Lilly is completely fascinated with money. She doesn't care so much for the paper money. The coins are where it's at.

She's already begun the regular scavenging, heading first for Daddy's lunch pail when he gets home and then heading for his night stand next. He's the sucker who leaves his money laying around and she knows it.

Lately I have been reminding her that she needs to ask Daddy before taking mitts full of his loose change. Once he says yes (as he always does - she is a daddy's girl...) we take it to her room and add it to her savings. We've been using a little porcelain mug, so she can see her loot thus far.

Last weekend, after seeing just how full the mug had gotten, she ran out to tell Daddy she has lots of money.

Lilly: "I have lots of monies Daddy."

Daddy: "Do you? Wow. What are you going to buy with your money?"

Lilly: (pondering for a moment) "I gonna buy my own house!"

The hubs shoots me a look and we smirk at each other. Not even 3 years old and wants to leave the nest. Not so sure I'm ready for this yet...

Daddy: "Your own house?! So you're moving out?"

Lilly: "Yup. I get my own house with my toys."

Mommy: "That's such a big girl move honey. Who is going to make you breakfast at your new house?"

Lilly: "Daddy will make my beakfast!" (She says this so certainly & shoots me a look like I've lost my mind)

Daddy: "Oh but honey, I won't be there."

Lilly: (utterly shocked) "You won't be at my house, Daddy?"

Daddy: "How about I make you breakfast now in this house & we can talk about your own house in a few years?"

Lilly: "Okay!" (as she goes running for the kitchen)

Part of me thought this conversation was adorable and hilarious. Part of me worries about a 20 year old Lilly who still thinks Daddy will make breakfast and Mommy will wash clothes...

Ideally speaking, she will buy her own house close enough that we can. Sometimes. Only sometimes ;)

*Read more of my little musings with my monkey with the rest of my Talking With My Toddler posts. 

Wordless Wednesday with Linky: Cupcake Decorating

This past weekend, I attended a fun filled bachelorette for one of my closest girlfriends. Veronika was one of my bridesmaids, so I am super thrilled to see her getting ready to be a beautiful bride herself.

In true sweetheart Veronika fashion, one of the events of the day was cupcake decorating. We're kinda a crafty bunch of girls. It was surprisingly easy and a ton of fun. Now, I couldn't actually eat them...since my household is gluten free...but my coworkers really enjoyed them ;)

All the girls, hard at work!

The beautiful bride-to-be.

Iris made one heck of an adorable lady bug!

My cupcakes! Not too shabby for my first time :)

DIY Leather Wrapped Painted Canvas

I recently spent a few hours putting together a wedding song poster for our master bedroom. I had modge podged word printouts of our wedding lyrics onto a fabric canvas and decorated it with the matching ribbon border. It was pretty.

It was going to be one of the crafts featured as part of The Pinterest House Project, master bedroom edition...which I promise is slowly, but surely coming along and will be posted soon.

I had stepped away from my craft table for a few minutes to help Lilly go to the potty. In the two minutes while I was washing my hands afterwards, my two-year-old managed to completely destroy that poster with half a bottle of modge podge. It was completely my fault. When you leave out craft supplies in the area that a toddler can access, you're just asking for it.

There was no salvaging. I tried. Instead of throwing it out the canvas completely, I decided to refinish it and reuse it.

I had bought some beautiful turquoise leather fabric on sale at the fabric store recently and thought it might be cool to wrap the entire canvas in leather. I had pinned a couple of book quotes that I was going to use as printouts for my master bedroom reading nook and decided it would be great paint one of them directly onto the leather.

Things you need:

• Canvas - mine was just a cheap one from the dollar store & still worked just fine.
• Fabric you can write/paint on - leather, vinyl, canvas (maybe a different colour), etc.
• Print out of your design or wording
• Ruler
• Paper cutter - you can use scissors, but you want to make sure you have very straight cuts
• Fabric marker - Honestly, I didn't have one....I used a silver nail polish pen ;)
• Paint & fine tip paint brushes
• Paint pen - I just discovered these! I used one for the black and it was so much faster

I laid the leather fabric face down on the floor and place the canvas face down on top of it. I took the edge of the leather fabric and folded up to make sure that it met the edge of where the canvas was stapled to the wood frame. I stapled the bottom to hold it is place and then cut equal amounts of leather border around the two inside edges of the canvas.

Starting in one corner I lined up the edge of the leather to the edge of the canvas and stapled it down. I then moved on to the opposite corner and follow the same steps, ensuring that I pulled the leather very tightly across the front facing side of the canvas. Take extra care when folding the corners up to make sure they sit neatly. Think about hospital or hotel corners when making a bed. Use extra staples around the corners to hold them tightly in place.

Once my canvas was wrapped, I had to decided how I wanted the wording to lay out. I typed it out on a regular 8.5x11 piece of cardstock in landscape layout to get large lettering. I formatted it to be the fonts and styles that I wanted. I then used my cutter to neatly cut each line of text and placed them evenly onto the canvas to get a better visual.

I worked with each line of text individually. I taped the line of text onto the canvas and used it as both a visual guide for how to draw and space the letters, but also as a ruler to ensure it was straight. I also used a ruler to measure out the spacing between each line of text, allowing more spacing for the two accent lines that were done in a larger font.

For the books at the bottom, I looked up a few clip art style graphics to get an idea of how to draw them. I had to keep in mind that they would be done in one colour, so dimension was going to be harder to show. 

Once the outline for the entire piece was completed, I used the paint pen to fill in the black text and the books and used a fine paint brush to fill in the cream lettering. It took a couple coats of each to really ensure the leather was covered.

I am very happy with how this turned out. I'm sure I would have loved any of the beautifully designed printables from Pinterest as well, but this is so much more personal.

Here is a sneak peek at my master bedroom reading nook. It's not complete - I'm working on a pillow for the chair and I'm not sure I am in love with the ribbon instagram photo thing that I threw together, but it's getting there! I am definitely in love with my cord art ;)

Ideally speaking, I will make some valuable use of my time this weekend and get my little master bedroom sanctuary finally finished!

Book Review & Giveaway: The Guide to Baby Sleep Positions.

Strategic planning.

In terms of co-sleeping, my husband I lucked out for pretty much all of Lilly's first year. We were cursed with having a good sleeper until she was about 12 months old. I say cursed because we just wound up paying our dues later, after she was year-old, after maternity leave was over, and I had to drag my sleep-deprived butt to work in the morning.

It was not always pretty.

All hell broke loose when she was about 12.5 months old. Since then, we have had countless nights of lost sleep and bad backs. The worst night of co-sleeping we have likely ever had was just recently. We transitioned Lilly into a big girl bed when we moved last fall, so now we get surprise attacks at 2 a.m. People tell you it gets better as they get older. People lie.

Don't get me wrong, snuggling in bed with your little one can be a beautiful thing. For part of the night. The Guide to Baby Sleep Positions, by Andy Herald and Charlie Capen from HowToBeADad.com, is a hilarious and honest look at what parents go through when co-sleeping.

It will make you laugh in a way that only parents can. A belly laugh that turns slowly into a quiet chuckle and ultimately ends in soft sobs. As we recall times when our precious new baby pulled "The Exorcist" at 3 am and we shamefully tossed a clean towel over it and went back to sleep... One of the only things parents still have in common with college kids.

This comprehensive guide covers 30 various positions that co-sleeping parents might find themselves in. All the classics are in there, like "H is for Hell" and "Roundhouse Kick" but my personal favourite and most dreaded is the "Snow Angel" move. I can handle a bad position if I fall asleep, but the constant moving around keeps me from getting to sleep in the first place. That just sucks.

"Bahaha! Mom, you're gonna HATE this one!"

Luckily for us, Charlie and Andy have included handy sections for "Side Effects" and "Tips" to help us wade through our misery.

They even touch on the first night new parents spend without the baby in bed. Of course it's merely a cleverly placed phrase coincidence that when explaining the tips for this position, they opened with "you're going to do it!"

Keep it clean people, they just meant you're going to make it through the night without the baby. Right, Charlie & Andy??

Ideally speaking, whenever I get that urge to bring her into bed, cuddle and peacefully fall asleep, I will be able to flip through this book and come back to my senses.

The Guide to Baby Sleep Positions is available on Amazon for under $10. I know that's about the price of 5 coffees that you require after your co-sleeping nights, but it's totally worth it. I'm also giving away a copy!

Enter the Giveaway for The Guide to Baby Sleep Positions

Have experience co-sleeping with your little one? No? Then move along. We don't need braggers on here... Just kidding. All are welcome to comment and enter the giveaway. Even those lucky parents who have perfect sleepers. After all, I used to be among you. *takes swing of 3rd coffee before noon*

To enter, leave a comment with your favourite and/or most hated position(s). One entry per person. Canada & US residents only. Deadline to enter is Thursday, May 9, 2013 at 11:59 PM EST. Winner will be notified Friday, May 10.

Disclaimer - As I have said before, I was not compensated by HowToBeADad.com at all. They are rockstars and I am just one of their many groupies.